"Late Show with David Letterman":

"President Bush wants a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. A constitutional amendment! Oh yeah, like he knows what a constitutional amendment is! Come on!"

"Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn":

"You hear about the scandal brewing involving Ralph Nader? They're saying when he was young he may have once sped through a yellow light."

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":

"I guess you heard this rumor now, President Bush may be dumping Dick Cheney from the ticket. He doesn't want to drop Cheney, but two guys running together just looked way too gay!"

"If we amend the constitution, it will be then up to Congress to define marriage. I don't know, Congress defining marriage is a little like the University of Colorado football team defining when 'no' means 'no.'"